


Close to You

by fictionboybuttsex



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2018-01-10 22:52:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1165548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionboybuttsex/pseuds/fictionboybuttsex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angsty masturbation aka feels with porn</p>
            </blockquote>





	Close to You

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for the summary I hate writing summaries and sometimes I can't take them seriously... also I almost never ever ever write angst but I like how this one turned out??? You be the judge, I guess.

“G-Gon.”

It wasn’t even a whisper. Killua’s mouth formed the name, but the only sound was his ragged breath and the faint rustle of the bed sheets. He licked his lips as he continued to pump himself. His cock grew stiffer, approaching climax. His chest ached, his throat felt raw. He grasped a handful of the sheets with is free hand, biting back all the sounds he wanted to make. Gon was sleeping in the bunk right below him. He couldn’t let Gon hear. He couldn’t…

He lay on his side in the bed, hating himself.

What the hell was he doing? Why did he feel this way, and why did it have to be so painful? He was content with how things were, wasn’t he? Happy even. So why…

Pre-cum began to dribble from his cock, getting under his fingers and making them slip easily along the shaft. He twisted his legs in pleasure, trying to hold himself back from the threshold of orgasm. His shorts tangled around his ankles.

He was disgusting. He loved Gon. He loved Gon for being his friend, for changing his life, for the way Gon smiled, for that purity of innocence. But now every time he looked at Gon he felt like he was making his best friend dirty. Adoration and unconditional love gave way to lust. He wanted to go back to the old days. He wanted to go back to the time before he started seeing Gon with such selfish, loathsome desire. He didn’t want to continue to lie and corrupt the image of Gon he held so dear.

The entire underside of his penis was slick with pre-cum. He pumped faster, his thumb caressing the tip as his hand slid up, hitting his balls as it slid down. 

Everything about him was tense. His toes curled. His balls were pulled up tight in their sack. His jaw clenched. His penis had swelled so much that it hurt. And yet in spite of all the physical stress on his body, despite the sheer sensual pleasure, he kept seeing the same thing in his mind and saying the same thing in his heart.

Gon.

Gon.

Gon.

His blazing, uncorrupted eyes. His mouth, so small, soft, and boyish. His body… not quite a boy’s, anymore. They bathed together sometimes, so Killua knew what he looked like without his clothes. He’d never seen him with an erect cock, but he could imagine it, poking out from under the wiry patch of hair that was just as dark and thick as the spiky mess on his head. And there was his tight, small bottom…

Gon.

Killua’s back arched, his hand clenched as it slid down, and he finally exploded, unloading cum in one, two, three, four strong bursts between the sheets. It   
continued to dribble out afterwards. He felt some of it, thick, sticky, and warm, clinging to his hand.

His breath felt shaky; his body trembled with fatigue. He hadn’t slept last night either.

Gon.

“Killua?” 

The sleepy voice made his heart skip. Killua froze.

“What’s that smell?”

He heard Gon sitting up in bed below him. No. No no no no no. The smell of semen was cloying, quickly spreading through the room. Of course Gon’s sensitive nose would pick it up. Killua needed an excuse, any excuse…

A pair of brown eyes peaked up over the edge of the bed. Gon’s face came into view.

“Killua? What’s wrong?”

“I-it’s nothing. Go back to sleep.”

“Are you sick? You’re all flushed. And look… you’re trembling.”

He’d left himself vulnerable. After succumbing to his emotions and exhausting his body, all to relieve his pent up desire and frustration, Killua was left with no defense. Only a single bed sheet hid the evidence of his depravity. One hand was still around his penis. His shorts, down around his ankles, made an obvious bulge beneath the covers. He dared not move.

“Gon… please. I need to be alone for a few minutes. Please.”

“Let me help you.” The worry in Gon’s face pained Killua to the point of self-loathing.

“Gon. I’m begging you. I’m fine so just… please. Please give me a little time.”

Gon opened his mouth to object again. Killua felt tears coming, and willed them to stay back. Perhaps Gon saw something of that in his face, because he nodded and disappeared. Killua heard his feet hit the ground. Next followed footsteps, a door opening, and the door closing again.   
As soon as he was alone, Killua threw off the sheet, tore his shorts and underwear from his ankles, and tried to use the underwear as a rag to clean up the cum on his hand and the bed. He jumped to the floor with shorts and soiled underwear in hand, running to the bathroom. There he tossed the soiled shorts into the trash, covering it with an empty chocolate box and some toilet paper. He turned on the shower, closed the bathroom door, stripped off his tank top, and tossed it onto the floor with his shorts. He stepped into the shower and ripped the curtain closed, not even caring that the water was still frigid.

He took several unsteady breaths, shivering in the cold flow. The breaths that were meant to calm him turned gradually into sobs as the water grew from cool to lukewarm. He sat in the cold basin, hugging his knees to his chest and sobbing into them pitifully. Gon wasn’t stupid. He would figure out what happened. Killua couldn’t hide it after this. It was not that Gon would hate him for it. Gon would comfort him, and see him just the same as he always had. That was Killua’s biggest fear, and the last thing he deserved. He had never deserved Gon’s friendship. And now…

“Killua.”

The bathroom door creaked open. He’d forgotten to lock it. Even under the circumstances, Killua couldn’t help but to pull a pained, ironic smile. His protection was reduced to a shower curtain.

“I’m really mortified,” Killua said, making a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh. “I’m really, really mortified.”

“It’s okay.”

Those two words were enough. Gon understood what had happened.

Killua clenched his teeth, shaking his head furiously. Water flew from his hair, striking the curtain with a dull series of thuds.

“It’s not okay. I’m a horrible person.”

“Killua…” The shower curtain opened. Killua clenched his teeth harder, his eyes firmly shut. He curled up into himself even tighter.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

A pair of arms wrapped around him and he felt the cotton of Gon’s tank top, along with Gon’s heat and pressure, push upon his back. Gon laid his chin on Killua’s shoulder, and held him tight. Killua’s body shook with pained, intermittent sobs.

“I’m sorry, Killua. I should have realized how you felt. No… I did realize it. I just pretended that I was seeing things wrong. I was happy with the way things were.”

Of course. Killua had been happy with the way things were, too. So why had this happened?

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

“You’re my best friend.” Gon rested his cheek against Killua’s head. “I should have acknowledged your feelings.”

“Idiot.”

Gon’s arms slowly released Killua, and the pressure on his back went away.

He’d have to leave. There was nothing else for it. Killua would have to leave Gon.

“Killua, look at me.”

He didn’t move.

“Killua, please?”

The plea caught Killua off guard. It sounded so much like his plea for Gon to leave. He lifted his head, and slowly, slowly turned around.

Gon’s face was pitiful, and beautiful to behold. His hair was soggy and dripping, his smile small, gentle, and sad. If his large, honest eyes didn’t convey his message, his pink-tinged cheeks and his next action certainly did.

Gon leaned forward, and he and Killua kissed.

The kiss was short, warm, and innocent. Killua felt more tears brimming in his eyes.

“I’ll try, Killua,” Gon told him. “I want to be with you. So please. Please let me stay by your side.”

Gon…

No, Gon.

It’s the other way around. It always has been.


End file.
